fear my radioactive kettle!

i was on the train this morning with Eva Sinfield. No, you probably don't know her either. however, after a 45 minute journey where she bellowed into her mobile phone most of the way, i feel i do.

from her conversation i gleaned the facts that she is german, works for the National Qualifications Authority is an exam assessor/moderator and lives in cambridge. she was on her way to sit in on some germal oral A-levels.

I also know her phone number, but it seems a bit rum to tell anyone that stumbles across this page.

a quick google later and i know she works for the language unit of cambridge university's engineering department, is married to a man named Richard (who works at cambridge university press) and lives just round the corner from me at home.

i might pop round there later. if i rummaged through her bins and got a bank statement i could steal her identity. i'm getting bored with this one. the pay's rubbish and my ankle hurts.

i stand corrected

while i remember as well. i went for physio on my dodgy ankly yesterday. turns out i have almost no muscle/ligaments remaining in my left ankle and upper foot.

i have also destroyed my 'balance muscle and nerves'.

the upshot of this is a long course of painful physio and exercise to come and may have to wear special spacker inserts in my shoes until it's sorted.

however, on the plus side, i've learned that i can't stand on one leg. this is now established medical fact and on my records.

come the revolution, they won't let me fight because i'll fall over too much and they won't be able to get boots that are 'special' enough for me.

illegal immigrants

there's an advert on the tv at the moment. it's for the woolwich building society.

what is being advertised is, basically, a very long, low-rate mortgage that means you'll only have to pay a small amount to them when you buy your house.

the advert goes something like:

opening scene. two passports showing middle class white people. presumably implying they're at the airport/customs/passport control.

fat passport controller says: "just how long have you been in Jamaica?"

white fella with bad sun tan and dreadlocks, beads, that sort of thing: "we been honeymooning for 15 years"

white woman, dressed similarly: "we chill right to the core..."

more bollocks. pay-off vice over: "get a longer honeymoon period at the woolwich, blah blah blah"

now. leaving aside the obvious stereotypes of white-man-goes-to-jamaica-becomes-chilled-out and people-in-jamaica-have-dreadlocks-and-are-chilled out (not to mention passport-controller-fat-uncomfortable)

they've been in jamaica for 15 years. fine. good on them. BUT a British passport is only valid for 10 years - fine, they could have renewed it at the embassy, but then THEY'D HAVE THEIR NEW FACES ON THEM! and you need a visa in Jamaica for stays of longer than 90 days.

why weren't these fuckers thrown out of the country, or better still, in jail?

bastards.

i have too much time on my hands. and the missus hates me when i point these things out. it's cathartic writing this crap that noone will ever read.

i noticed before that my referral logs showed tht searching for "extremely fat" on msn brought up this page.

now it appears that google are in on the action.

see, extremely fat, about half way down

so it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. i still want to know why people are searching it.

are they extremely fat?

do they want to be extremely fat?

do they like people who are extremely fat?

i'd love to know.

anally-retentive half man half biscuit completists

i've been published in the Guardian. well, my letter has third one down. i've not been quite so happy since i had a letter in Viz. what was even better was I only found out because my mate SI had read the paper cover-to-cover and spotted it. well, he lives in Stockholm, there's only so much time you can spend drinking fantastic beer, in a beautiful city, surrounded by gorgeous young ladies.

i wrote in because, following the announcement that the BBC was cancelling Grandstand, the paper said that noone had ever written a song about ITV's World of Sport. The following day, a letter appeared saying:

"it's not entirely true that "no one ever wrote a song about World Of Sport" (Final whistle, April 25). Half Man, Half Biscuit saluted its host in their 1986 single Dickie Davies Eyes, which also immortalised ITV's "voice of football" with the line: "Brian Moore's head looks uncannily like London Planetarium"."

Then next day someone else wrote in to say: "Let us not forget Half Man Half Biscuit's (Letters, April 26) hearfelt plea for an explanation of another ITV footy presenter's broadcasting career, in which they discover Jim Rosenthal on his knees at the Wailing Wall crying "Bob Wilson, Anchorman"."

so I couldn't let it lie.

i'd have scanned the cutting in, but as i tried to plug the scanner in at the weekend my computer blew up. if anyone bothers to read this and knows what a STOP 0x0000001A error is and how to fix it, then please let me know.

i'm best man at my mate's wedding next week. he thinks he's scottish so we've all got to wear kilts.

i'm not sure i'm going to be able to keep a straight face in this get up...

according to my logs, someone, somewhere (well, someone using telewest, possibly in London) found this page by searching for the phrase "my cock fun" on msn.co.uk; which is nice.

i wish i knew what he/she was looking for, so if it's you, please email me and let me know.

i'm not a political blogger. i don't really care about politics - apart from the health secretary being a liar and a cad and not actually caring about the NHS - but it's big news today that Charles Clarke, the home secretary allowed over 1000 violent and dangerous criminals out of prison insterad of deporting them.

i found out that part of his job is to make sure "people are and feel more secure in their homes and daily lives".

still, at least he's offered to resign. even though mr tony blair turned it down.

you may remember that david blunkett had to quit as home secretary because he couldn't keep his cock in his trousers and surely that's not as bad as releasing hundreds of convicted rapists and murderers?

time for a new home secretary. john prescott would be great. at least we can trust him to act with discretion! oh, balls.

erm, pat hewitt? nope, she's up to her arse in it....

john reid? oh, i remember, he was even worse as health secretary than patricia hewitt.

are none of these highly-paid public representatives any good at their jobs?

singer is not a singer or, people who sound like other people.

i saw a van today while i was out having a smoke. it was for

george benson, who not only is a famous

singer, he appears to run a contract cleaning company as well. which got me

thinking. it turns out that:

* Tony Bennett is Director of Research on Socio-cultural Change at the Open University

* James Brown is a writer in New Zealand

* Michael Jackson acted in 1940s western films

* Paul Simon is an estate agent

* Tom Jones is a builder

* Shirley Bassey is a hedge fund manager

i had a little help, i must admit